Funny Quotes

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Menu for today's kids

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Sleeping Pilots?

Two pilots who flew past the airport in Hilo Hawaii by 15 miles are under investigation by aviation authorities to determine whether they were asleep during the incident.

Go! Airlines flight 1002 from Honolulu was expected to land in Hilo had to turn around after flying past the airport.

Air traffic controllers, whose had been tracking the plane by radar, were unable to reach the plane for 25 minutes. The pilots did return to the airport and landed safely. However, there was no indication that the pilots had to avoid landing because of other aircraft or weather.

The pilots may be subjected to a warning, suspension or license revocation depending on the findings.

So much of auto-pilot ehhhh……

April Fools' Day - Celebrated All Over The World

While it may not be celebrated on April 1, cultures all over have their version of this fun day.

• In Iran, people play jokes on each other on April 13, a day called Sizdah Bedar, the 13th day of the Persian calendar new year. It is believed that people should go out and play pranks on one another to escape the bad luck of the number 13 associated with the day. Sizdah Bedar, is the oldest prank tradition in the world still alive today, having been celebrated by the Persian as far back as 536 BC.

• In France, the April 1 tradition includes poisson d’avril (April’s Fish), an attempt to attach fish to the victim’s back without being noticed. This joke is also practiced in Italy.

• In Denmark, May 1 is known as Maj-Kat, meaning May-cat. This day is identical to April Fools’ Day, even though the Danes also celebrated the actual day.

• In the United Kingdom, Australia and New Zealand, you can only play a prank on someone before midday. If you do it after midday, you are considered the fool instead.

• In Rome, the equivalent of April Fools’ Day is celebrated in March 25. This day is known as the Festival of Hilaria, celebrating the resurrection of the god Attis. It is also known as the Roman Laughing Day.

• In India, people play jokes on one another and smear colors on each other during the Huli Festival, celebrated on March 31, to celebrate the arrival of spring.

• April Fools’ Day falls on the Sunday and Monday before Lent in Portugal. During this celebration, people throw flour at their friends.

Source : Pearl Magazine, Jusco, March 2008

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS' DAY !!!

Judgement Day

A traveling preacher said to a farmer, “Do you belong to a Christian family?”

“No,” he said “They live two farms down.”
“No, no, I mean are you lost?”
“No, I’ve been here thirty-five years.”
“I mean are you ready for Judgment Day?”
“When is it?”
“It could be today, tomorrow or next week.”
“Well when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go all the days!!”

Candidate: Elect Me and I Won’t Serve

USA: A candidate for Treasurer is making a single campaign promise: Elect Me and I Won’t Serve.

The 77-year-old man is challenging the incumbent Treasurer for the Republican nomination during the March 4 election. No Democrats are seeking the office.

He said the job is redundant and costing the county money it doesn’t need to spend. The duties should be assigned to another county office, he said.

Unavoidable fate

Yesterday, Mr. Right celebrated 50 years of not gambling, drinking or womanizing.

Unfortunately, he was involved in a dreadful accident when a truck carrying beer barrels swerved to avoid two men delivering a slot machine to a massage parlour.

Hilarious, Funny Garfield Dancing a Tamil Song

I found this video at Youtube recently that is really funny.......... enjoy.......

Online Customer Service

Happy as You Want to Be

Almost everyone have heard the hit single 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' by Bobby McFerrin. The song has a very catchy way of conveying its message of being happy to everyone. Bobby Mcferiin's simple message surely made a lot of people by telling them not to worry.

Living a happy, resilient and optimistic life is wonderful, and is also good for your health. Being happy actually protects you from the stresses of life. Stress is linked to top causes of death such as heart disease, cancer and stroke.

One of the better things ever said is - 'The only thing in life that will always remain the same is change', and in our life we have the power to make the necessary changes if we want to. Even if we find ourselves in an unbearable situation we can always find solace in the knowledge that it too would change.

Social networks or relationships are essential to happiness. People are different, accept people for who or what they are, avoid clashes, constant arguments, and let go of all kinds of resentments. If arguments seem unavoidable still try and make an effort to understand the situation and you might just get along well.

Happiness is actually found in everyone, increasing it is a way to make a life more wonderful and also more healthy.

To be happy is relatively easy, just decide to be a happy person. Abraham Lincoln observed that most people for most of the time can choose how happy or stressed, how relaxed or troubled, how bright or dull their outlook to be. The choice is simple really, choose to be happy.

There are several ways by which you can do this. Being grateful is a great attitude. We have so much to be thankful for. Thank the taxi driver for bringing you home safely, thank the cook for a wonderful dinner and thank the guy who cleans your windows. Also thank the mailman for bringing you your mails, thank the policeman for making your place safe and thank God for being alive.

News is stressful. Get less of it. Some people just can't start their day without their daily dose of news. Try and think about it, 99% of the news we hear or read is bad news. Starting the day with bad news does not seem to be a sensible thing to do.

A religious connection is also recommended. Being part of a religious group with its singing, sacraments, chanting, prayers and meditations foster inner peace.

Manage your time. Time is invaluable and too important to waste. Time management can be viewed as a list of rules that involves scheduling, setting goals, planning, creating lists of things to do and prioritizing. These are the core basics of time management that should be understood to develop an efficient personal time management skill. These basic skills can be fine tuned further to include the finer points of each skill that can give you that extra reserve to make the results you desire.

Laugh and laugh heartily everyday. Heard a good joke? Tell your friends or family about it. As they also say -'Laughter is the best medicine'. Express your feelings, affections, friendship and passion to people around you. They will most likely reciprocate your actions. Try not to keep pent up anger of frustrations, this is bad for your health. Instead find ways of expressing them in a way that will not cause more injury or hurt to anyone. Working hard brings tremendous personal satisfaction. It gives a feeling of being competent in finishing our tasks. Accomplishments are necessary for all of us, they give us a sense of value. Work on things that you feel worthy of your time. Learning is a joyful exercise. Try and learn something new everyday. Learning also makes us expand and broaden our horizons. And could also give us more opportunities in the future.

Run, jog, walk and do other things that your body was made for. Feel alive. Avoid exposure to negative elements like loud noises, toxins and hazardous places.

These are the few simple things you can do everyday to be happy.

And always remember the quote from Abraham Lincoln, he says that, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

Stupid Men

Ten people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, nine men and a woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry all of them, so it was decided that one had to drop off, otherwise there are all going to fall.

There were not able to choose that person, then, the woman made a very touching speech.

She said she will voluntarily let go off the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands …..!!!!

How to ask your Boss for a salary increase..?

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$
$$,
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$. Mo$t of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:


Dear ......,

I kNOw NOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add
NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
Manager

Buy and Sell

A guy walks in a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls out one and starts smoking it.
The cashier says, " Excuse me, you can't smoke in here."
The guy says, " Don't you think it's kinda dumb that I buy it here but can't smoke it here ?'
And the cashier replies, " Not at all....... We also sell condoms here."

Smart Woman

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called her into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, prepare him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch prepare him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare specially his favorites meals. Don’t burden him with chores or discuss your problems with him. It will only making things worse. No nagging and more importantly, you have to increase your frequency of intimacy. If you can do this for next ten months to a year, most probably your husband will fully recover and will regain his health completely...”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“HE SAID YOU’RE GOING TO DIE,” she replied.